I did the walk of shame to another booty call
I don't think that should turn me on, but it does
if being creepy is wrong, then i don't want to be right
I could give you a full detailed description of 75% of the penises in that room
Dude I reek of $2.50 pitchers, $1 off/pack marlboro cigs, and fear.
Fear?
FEAR.
they're both probably 7 inches? or 8? I'm shoving a ruler in my mouth trying to figure it out
Good news. I heard back from the doctor and I don't have a liver problem.
...yet.
Perfect. And my grandma just called me and talked to me for eighteen minutes telling me that she was worried because of my Halloween costume that I'm not a Christian and that I'm not eating. Wtf.
I'll get him an axe as a present. So he can break out of his closet. That axe being my penis.
A stripper just invited me to her daughter's birthday. Where did my life go wrong?
There is not enough whiskey in the world to get me through what happened on Pretty Little Liars tonight.
First world problems.
I just found a contact in my phone named "Sam 'it Won't Fit' Wilson". No clue when or where it came from....
Just screamed wow while using my vibrator.. new low
I've scurried myself in your trunk come find me in the morning
Can I just swipe right on his dad?
Did you just correct my spelling of a made up word?
No, I just was using your word in plural form
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