a chick just tried to cover her fart by sneezing. it didn't work
just had sex in his gielfriend's bed, and puked all over it. i need to get out of here.
There isn't a single transaction on my online bank account that doesn't involve drugs or alcohol since November 12
We shouldn"t be alone together
you didn"t say that yesterday
you weren't married yesterday
In the middle of switching positions, we shared a line of coke. It's was like a modern-day 'Lady and the Tramp.'
I AM OVULATING LIKE A STEAM ENGINE.
I keep replaying commercials about kittens frolicking and was crying nonstop. WILL MY PERIOD LAST FOREVER!?
This year i'm grateful for nothing other than the discovery that the uncircumcized rumors about him were wrong
You screamed "There's a potato in my anus" and proceeded to attempt to grind with the bouncer. Also, I'm pretty sure our Chem teacher was in the same bar as us.
Omg just had weirdest best cab advice situation ever. I kissed the cabbies hand as I was leaving like he was the pope and cried
Somehow she talked me into getting my dick pierced, weird first date.
He was eating my ass and came up for air, I almost choked laughing because he had a toilet paper cling on stuck in his mustache
I have the WORST hangover. Pretty sure my liver fell out while taking a dump. THAT bad.
Here's a concept though: eating pasta while getting laid
When I type "sleep" my phone suggests "with Trevor". My phones an asshole.
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