i fucked some guy last night. i called him nick jonas by mistake. i'm 24.
things that need to be invented #43: vodka that also acts as birth control.
I only have two new blunt burns this year as opposed to freshman year's 6. This is growing up.
My mom just said we needed to put weed into our earthquake kit.
thought i was the most hungover person in class until i saw a kid puke into his bookbag...he wins
i woke up with a wedding ring drawn on my finger...if this was vegas id be worried
searching my car for your cum before I have to give my grandma a ride to the airport. Thanks for this
and the award for most disgusting thing ever done on my couch now officially goes to you! Congratulations, you won the couch...I can't even look at it anymore.
She shouted out halfway through "that costume does nothing to hide your cock". Last time we let her drink at the theatre.
Just googled "penis wearing a hat" i think it's safe to say nobody found my ex's lost phone...
Was the first guy that bit your neck last night wearing a trenchcoat...I have a vague memory.
fries before guys. food before dudes. shakes before dates. chips before dicks. lemon bars before football stars. macaroni before screwin' tony. what i'm saying is please come to ladies' night
Even with help how did you paint a bullseye around your asshole?
Harry Potter pub crawl tonight. You know you're living your life right when your check list for the evening is wizard robes, wand and acid.
I have all the porn. Be there soon
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