I woke up with my keys safelty pinned to my thong. It's gonna be a great day.
she was using bread to soak up the vodka off the floor then proceeded to eat it.
I can't believe you're trying to guilt me into a blow j because a tornado made you homeless.
Is it working?
It's christmas eve and my mom blacked out before me. If she beat me at that, what have I been learning at college?
You better be making out with him cause we're sitting here with this awkward british girl watching videos of goats singing maroon five
yeah, I don't think I'm getting into the baseball game tonight. The security guard definitely saw me bowl over that child.
I feel like every young boy's first wet dream is too have sex with the Pink Ranger. I am now fulfilling that dream for one man. I am a hero.
5 hours of volunteer work playing with puppies and banned from the frat I hate most as 'punishment'... Besides the ER trip, I'm not seeing the bad in this situation
I'm just that drunk tells people I love them or wants to set them on fire. Accept that.
my mom snuck into my room, washed her clothes and made her breakfast. what the fuck she's a better boyfriend than I am
He yelled "CARLI LLOYD" and then kicked the cake off the table. Soccer is making monsters out of us.
I was 40 minutes late to work today because I was getting fucked. Walked in to discover that it's apparently performance review day. Employee of the year.
So much for no-infidelity-fridays....
My one night stand from last weekend is now taking me on a date this weekend. How is this my life?
Sorry dude, one minute I was flirting with a bachelorette party from Dallas and the next I’m being tied to the bed by the bride
Trying to wrangle us an invite to the wedding
Randomize
