i just ordered a pitcher of margaritas for me and a friend but she called and canceled. oh well, looks like im getting trashed alone.
the waiter who hardly speaks english told me "i go get your medicine now"
this medicine is soooo good.
Im listening to a jazz version of dick in a box.
1.) You left the rest of your whiskey here 2.) I drank your whiskey 3.) then made a steam roller out of the bottle 4.) Everything tastes like whiskey
I never thought I'd say this, but there is a life threatening amount of rumpleminz in our freezer
The puppy is a lightweight. 3 beers and he's passed out on the floor already. I repeat, the puppy is a lightweight.
Hey got that picture this morning. 1. clean your room 2.what happened to your nail? and 3. your penis is amazing,.
you do realize that we pretended we were worms for like 10 minutes and inched around on the ground, don't you?
I can feel the fear and stress bubbling in my stomach. Or maybe that is the pregnancy.
Ps there is nothing more humbling in the world than havin to watch cheaper by the dozen on the waiting room tv while getting the morning after pill at the drs. Nothing
You turned to me, winked, whispered "man the harpoons" and walked out with the fat chick
He gave me the choice between a threeway with his best friend or a tiny turtle. Unfortunately I chose the threeway.
My mom has had 5 shots of fireball today and she's still functioning normally... She's just extra polite.
I'm so drunk. Remember me this way.
well, unfortunately the rug burn lasted longer than the actual relationship
Mass text: dear whatever jerk off who thinks they stole drugs from me. It was birth control. Go fuck yourself. And pray that I don't get pregnant.
Who puts their birth control in a bottle with a smiley face?!
Oh fuck wait
Randomize
