hotel room ftw
Did Neil Armstrong say the moon was too far away! NO! He built himself a fucking rocketship is what he did!
I had a dream last night that Anthony Bourdain gave me a vibrator.
i just woke up and "where the fuck is taco bell" was in my search engine...
You know you have a problem when the only thing that saves you is that you drank so late into the night that you sleep through the designated walk of shame time window
I'm Still in a robe trying to piece together 3-7am I'll be there in a few
Sorry I sent so many blank messages. My hands are slippery. Don't ask why.
SHE GRABBED MY FULLY ERECT DICK IN A BAR AND STUCK HER TONGUE DOWN MY THROAT AND I COULD NOT CLOSE
I'm semi drunk. I just bought you penis moisturizer. Not kidding. Keep an eye out for the package. Merry Christmas.
I've decided that buying my first unused mattress has been my first major step into real adulthood.
He yelled "I'm Bruce Springsteen!" when he came. This is why I don't sleep with guys from Jersey.
You know it was a good night when visa fraud prevention services are calling
Then you fell out of your chair, looked right at me and said, "You are sooo drunk."
Whatever douche. I sucked the dick that made you. I. Win.
I just hit 3 trees and a golf cart.. all on the same hole
Put me down for a bogey
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