i felt like the dude nobody likes from the mikes hard lemonade commercial
Friends don't let friends talk to people who live in Orlando. Sorry I've failed you.
I woke up with his wallet, but not him. Gold-digging at it's finest.
maybe next time you'll take an ex boyfriend warning you that she's batshit crazy as a warning instead of a challenge
Operation "Inform her family she stars in a sadistic lesbian porn film" is in full effect. She picked the wrong guy to cheat on.
Just rolled up to a matinee showing of THE HOBBIT. At the dollar theater. Alone. In sweats. With a fifth of sunnybrook and leftover pizza in a ziplock. There's a dude here in cape with his elderly mother. I'm handling this breakup FIIIIIINE.
I'm like still hungover from the quinceanera.
We can get drunk and battle coyotes
In going to go underground and live with the mole people for a while.
I want to wait until after I get laid before I ask him his political affiliation. Just in case. I'm so desperate I would bang a Republican
Don't take a pillow from my bed. You don't know which ones of them my vagina has been on
Dick is the cure to depression. I'm almost positive. And cough syrup.
we didn't have sex though. because i have the will power of an ox.
I've been eaten out in coupes, sedans, trucks, suv's, you name it. If I can do it in a smart car, you can do it in a vw beetle.
I knew you were the expert on doing it in public. You need to get paid for your advise
I WANT GRASS AND TREES NOT SOMEONE SWINGING A SWORD AROUND
Randomize