Im watching someone hooking up in the library
procrastination at its finest
From the trajectory of the puke, I must have fallen off the top bunk while trying to vomit, due to the dented bucket, ruined carpet, and bruised dignity I now own.
hey, do you know how many packets of jello it takes to turn a handle of vodka into slutty girls?
You chanted SOFA PIZZA all night then we woke up to find about ten slices under the cushions where you were sleeping....
So he was supposed to be helping me with my math but instead we ended up drinking coconut rum in his basement and having sex. I think my mom was right, getting a tutor will be good for me. Relieves the stress.
My stomach literally has no contents left. Tequila cleanse=success.
Apparently he proposed after he saw me chug vodka out of a traffic cone.
I wanted him to come me this time. So I told him last time I was in the city I hit a lady on the head with an inflatable Santa Claus and just found out that the restraining order she requested against me was granted. We never hung out.
Considering that your "hello" was replaced with "Fuck yo couch," I'm not surprised that you have a black eye.
I think drinking White Russians at half past four in the afternoon is perfectly acceptable. I'd bought a LOT of milk and cream that needs to be used up. Resourceful, check, fuckable, check. You have a great girlfriend here pal.
YOU ARE SO GOD DAMN LOUD AND YOU'RE SHAKING THE GOD DAMN HOUSE. FUCKING STOP.
I peppersprayed myself last night. Sigh.
I just busted my piggy bank to afford McDonald's. This is my personal cry for help.
No one should ever be so high that they forget the food. That's just...its a violation of God and Nature, of the very laws that we live by!
Rebounding with her sister was the best idea i ever had.
Randomize