hide the guitars, Nate just learned to play free fallin'
he just invited me over for the 3 p's...pepsi pizza and porn...I'm gonna marry him
Bad idea pregaming graduation.... she just threw up before walking across the stage... i'm gonna miss this
just ran into a kid I used to hook up with while wearing his shirt. Only me. I tried to pretend like it wasn't his but it said his name on the back so I wasn't winning that.
He ended up letting us go, I think he just felt sorry for us. It's the only time that my night's gotten worse after I've taken my pants off.
She came over and gave me a handy and then just lingered for a day and a half. Worst weekend ever.
i wanna pet his head its so fluffy. were gonna open a petting zoo
WHEN THE FUCK DID MCDONALD'S DECIDE TO QUIT SERVING BURGERS AT 1:00AM?
I would peed on everything
There are two women in my bed. I'm gonna have a bowl of noodles so I can better understand my success.
Ryan friended me on LinkedIn and it took everything in my power not to endorse him for sexual dysfunction as a skill.
Would it be weird if I congratulated the guy who almost broke up my marriage for working on the marriage equality bill? You know, thanks for fighting for the sanctity of marriage. Weird, right?
I feel like emojis are just meant for explaining sex without using words to make anyone uncomfortable. It's a true gift
I had sex in a panda mask the other night.
Doug the spinning teacher gave me chlyamdia
He made me promise not to describe his penis in detail to you....oops.
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