i wish everyone could be as happy as the people in the laxative commericals
I should have kept drinking, a coma can't be as bad as this hangover
You guys need to get along, there is no need for a pissing contest...We're all fucking each others ex's.
He taped the number 420 over all of his clocks
And then I learned that we are dating when I said it's out of line to bring fuck buddies home to meet the parents. And then I was single.
It all boils down to, who else do we know that is willing to buy our friendship?
he just asked me for a tag team. like at least let me get changed out of your roommates clothes from last night first...
That dick who always called me a slut in high school showed up at the clinic with boner problems. Then I was assigned as his nurse. Who's laughing now. I AM.
I asked you if you needed a ride and you kept saying "no, my name is katelyn"
I IMAGINED YOU YELLING SURPRISE WITH JAZZ HANDS. AND I LOVE YOU FOREVER
Even when you're down just know that I will always be the one to pour alcohol into your asshole when you're on probation
Dear me: Drinking & crying tonight, my place, 9pm sharp. Love, your life
I don't want my liquor store dad to judge me...
You said "I'm not gonna waste my last condom on you" last night.
If body pillows had a built in vibrator attached I would literally never need a boyfriend again
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