I think I'm pregnant with his hipster baby. It keeps kicking my stomach to the beat of mgmt songs.
5 am is for sleeping. Or getting railed on by a stranger. But never for fundraising. Get real.
Apparently Sundays are the worst days for your friends to get their head split open and need stitches...there's only 1 doctor on duty
i'm glad we've gotten to the point in our relationship where I can eat peach rings off your penis.
It's totally ok to sleep with him. The only place I have feelings for him is in my vagina.
He called it restless penis syndrome. I call it cheating.
Got a 72 hour restraining order. Can we meet monday? Let me know!
Just told my boss I wasn't coming in to work because of a serious case of blue balls. Totally made having them worth it.
sometimes you just gotta eat tacobell at 2am and cry all your feelings out
I didn't want sex last night, but she charmed my dick out of my pants like a snake charmer.
How many more times can I say I need to get laid before you kill me?
My disapointment is making my balls hurt :(
Potholders are an underrated garment. Especially naked.
You are now at the point where people no longer question whether or not you might be on drugs. They now know for certain that you are
He in a way got kinda cockblocked by Jesus
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