There are just some things I refuse to put in my mouth.
Hey i just realized that im masturbating in the exact same kind of chair that they are doing it on in this porno
pretty sure mid blowjob I told him I needed to call you and ask you if this was whore-ish. He hid my phone from me.
I'm on the bus and the homeless person in the seat to my left is jacking off to a cartoon picture he found. He's now cleaning up with mitten I dropped.
Why are my keys in the refrigerator?
You said "This is gonna really confuse me tomorrow." Apparently drunk you plays pranks on hungover you.
This explains so much.
I ended up naked in a pond with you-know-who and your saying your a good babysitter? Dick.
STOP LICKING HIS MUSTACHE
There is blood on the door to my room, I have to go to sleep
Wearing the same clothes for three days in a row and eating an entire two pound bag of jelly beans really has a way of making a person rethink their life...
I don't want random pictures of your morning wood. It's like, what a glorious morning oh a penis.
I have never appreciated strippers so much. Ma'am, you are an artist
He suck his junk in my HALF BAKED. Ben & Jerry would totally disapprove. This is worse than sticky dick donut day.
Whenever someone said no you would yell "Die Motherfucker." Kind of like some twisted drinking game.
You asked him if he would have sex with you under the dinosaur. He declined and then you started crying, blaming the sand.
If he’s halfway attractive, employed and cool with me having boytoys, I’ll marry him
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