You can't motorboat a personality
I am so stoned and my professor is handing out candy. I love Halloween.
you asked a group of latinas stood by the bar to hold a minutes silence for ugly betty getting cancelled. that drunk.
I hit 10,000 texts this month.. I think my grandkids have carpal tunnel.
he asked me to have sex with him by saying 'take one for the team'. so no we didn't do it.
Thank you for the breast cancer awareness themed circle of death. Had it been any other time I would not have played topless.
$150 bar tab covered by these tits. That's now the going rate. Keeping my bra on during sex unless i see the Benjamins.
Highlight of the night was you walking into the men's room yelling "My husband is diabetic" and crawling under the stall to yell at me.
tonights mission is daddy issue patrol - we wear old spice and drink gin martinis and see who reacts.
I WAS KIDDING ABOUT SLUTEMBER BUT ITS ACTUALLY HAPPENING
ditto.
about cumming, not toast
I'm going to invent an ap that tests your stress levels before texting and will say something like "nope, go rub one out and try again in 10 min"
WTF ARE YOU DOING IT'S FUCKING VEGAN COFFEE IT'S MADE WITH NUT MILK YOU'RE NOT A FUCKING SQUIRREL.
Just saw the cop you hooked up with over break. He’s def hotter in uniform.
Tell him to stop shaving his pubes. #Notmyjam
I smell Vodka. It's me. If anyone asks it's totally hand sanitizer.
Randomize
