Upon hearing of his newfound access to every orifice... even ones he just made up... the Grinch's penis grew three sizes that day.
you threw up in thedumpster behind red robin
and kept yelling "DIRTY BIRD"
a girl walking in front of me just packed her cigarettes 72 times and yes i counted
how much adderall did you take today?
I'm blaming hurricane Irene if I get pregnant tonight.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
He turned off the music when i walked in and introduced me to everyone. then they gave me jager and made me chug it while holding a giant purple dildo. everything resumed when i finished
I threw up in the bar parking lot and yelled THIS IS MY FUTURE.
Couldn't finish, so she gave me "the tap," and I had to leave the mound early. Nothing worse than the long walk back after the manager comes out and asks for the ball.
The amount of times I have been emergency drunk in the past 72 hours is staggering
I might attempt to pee into a cup while driving. I'll let you know how it goes.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I fought a guy last night because he said "extra pulp orange juice is the best orange juice"
He got the life proof phone case so he could jack off in the shower without his wife knowing
The condoms have been found. I repeat: THE CONDOMS HAVE BEEN FOUND. he isn't a collector!!!
I'm glad that we laid to rest the suspicion that he was keeping them in a scrapbook. yayy
A real best friend would support the hoe in me. Not remind me of what happened the last time I slept with a boss
This chick just walked out of the men's room with molly all over her nose and her shirt half unbuttoned. She nodded to all of us and said "gentlemen" as she exited
He’s tiny, hairless and humps my leg when he wants sex. He’s basically a chihuahua
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