Pish posh, there's never a bad time to eat food off my body.
Pete just told the whole party I'm a squirter
I just sat in the Taco Bell drive-thru waiting for a trash can to take my order. Yes, that high.
All of our toilets in my house are broken. Thank God I've practiced peeing in the sink enough.
His beard is glorious and he smells like barbecue. Introduce me to him.
did i send you the picture of me smiling with the magnum wrapper?
Do you think if I tell the hot Santa at work that I want a sugar daddy for Christmas that he'll get the hint?
Just puked in my hallway. Good start to a great night
Literally just inhaled three cinnamon rolls. Sara is staring. It was inhuman
Hi I am too sober and out of rum. Translation: I owe you some beer. Also, get better taste in beer.
In my drunk state I was like I ONLY HAD SEX WITH SOMEONE ELSE BECAUSE HE WAS THE HOTTEST GUY IVE EVER EVEN SEEN
I think it was a smart move. Quickest way to get over a guy, hook up with his friends.
Sad realization: so long as I use this sleep apnea machine, I will never be the little spoon!
I just don't think it's that outlandish to ask that I don't get messages from my husband at 8:30pm on a Wednesday telling me he peed on our cat
If you are refering to the duckling living in your bath...I can explain, but before I do, can you throw a peice of bread in there?
Randomize
