Since when does wearing a condom and going down on me make someone a gentlemen?
Just checked my bank account while shitting blood. Neither action felt good when I was done.
Ya after that i took a dump on a car... We're definitely partying with him again
he busted in while i was showering looked at me and said "youve lost weight bro, no homo" and started puking into the sink
I think I told some stripper my friend owned Groupon Last night
What I love about college? The kid tripping balls has a kayak made readily available to him on any given Wednesday, Saturday, or Sunday.
Bonus points if the penis has a little hat too
I've woke up in his bed 4 out of the past 6 mornings. I feel like this might be the time to learn more about him then his first name and what kind of beer he drinks.
Cute underage boy is in my house.
OH MY GOD. DON'T DO ANYTHING. WHY IS HE IN YOUR HOUSE.
Why didn't you tell me I was calling her by her sisters name all night?
I don't need a lecture. I'm 41. I know I'm an idiot.
Topless Tuesday? One of us will be really happy the other not so much.
I hope April is a better month for dicks. March has been very disappointing.
I'm to childless and to single to be asking myself why I'm so sticky
I sent him home with blood on his fingers and shame in his heart.
Randomize
