I wanna get so fucked up that I try to catch a coyote in a pillowcase, breakdance fight a lion, and send back some toast at Denny's when I see its slightly burnt.
He keeps trying to sell me the forks from his kitchen drawer
I'm not gonna not go for it, she's foreign and pulled a shotglass out of her thong.
the trail of clothing leading from the bed to the door was in the exact order i needed to put them on. underwear near the bed shoes by the door.
Your "OraGel will numb anything" theory was the worst thing I ever believed in.
I just realized I consumed seven different types of alcohol this weekend. And I'm only counting jungle juice as one of those. How the fuck did I not die?
We're gona eat taco bell and then take exlax and see who can hold it in the longest. Loser has to pay for drinks all weekend. You in?
I want to be stormed in. I want to be stuck there. I want to climb a pyramid of strippers to safety
I just had the weirdest moment. Made eye contact at the bar with a girl who has seen my vagina.
I have to date her we need a place to stay for tailgating
I learned that I order a bunch of dollar shots at the bar and once it's ready turned around and say "who wants pay?" And someone will pay
You were giving me all the reasons why being the big spoon is such a responsibility, and how you wish you were a girl cause the little spoon does nothing
I love you, and I just washed my hair in my work sink with handsoap.
Eat, nap, & pace yourself. Words to live by.
if I dont text you back in 10min assume i am in fact still dizzy and injured myself in the shower. and call an ambulance. thanx.
Randomize
