she said she missed her period, but is going to six flags... think im safe?
Yeah apparently i got lonely because everyone was hooking up so i took matters into my own hands. I woke up on the floor spooning a vaccuum cleaner, a mop, 40 paper cups, and industrial grade detergent.
Just pulled a Kenny Powers on a snowmobile
I will always make you feel special and slightly offended. That's my job.
I mean I'm not gay but a hundred bucks is a hundred bucks
If I don't quit picking up guys when I'm drunk, I'm going to need a vagina transplant.
It's ok, I did squats with my bottle of wine before I opened it. That counts as the gym since I won't be getting there haha
Oh dear. If we're both hearing alien sounds then perhaps they're real.
Soooo you know how I said I was trying to be a rational adult? Well that led to me fucking a rational adult today.
New low: uploading my contacts into Facebook in an attempt to get the name of the girl I brought home last night.
can you bring the lube to algebra tomorrow
My vibrator turned on under my pillow when I was taking a nap this morning... I nearly shit my pants.
i don't want him to see me in a bathing suit.
hasn't he seen you naked?
well yeah, but it's different in a bathing suit.
Dude I'm pretty sure everyone in my office knows I fucked our boss...can I ask for anything better?
Nothing wrong with a little cat scratch fever. You have toys?
A few, plus a dildo molded from a porn star that I've always been too intimidated of to actually use, but it's the apocalypse, and momma didn't raise no quitter.
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