how much do you want to bet that her wedding invites will be vera bradley themed? loser has to frame theirs.
Last night you tried to pee on my bed...in the hallway...your room...and the showers. When I finally got you on the toilet you passed out.
Making the executive decision for drunk you to not sleep in the lofted bed that has no ladder
We found you on the floor drooling you kept saying over and over how you were double jointed.
Judge me...This apron fits PERFECTLY when I have no clothes on
Who said I was judging? More like congratulating.
She called him at 5 AM so that he'd be ready for her birthday breakfast and drinks at 6. This is why people don't need to wait until their 21st to have their first drink.
I can't believe I've come to a point in my life where sex for a birthday present is acceptable
You were sitting on the filthy kitchen floor eating a packet of grated cheese, and you were crying because you couldn't find any cheese.. I'd say our party was a success.
Just fucked a MILF from Alaska. I love traveling.
He was pretty handsy. Told me I tasted like smoke. Good think he tasted that and not the stomach acid I just puked not ten minutes before.
Is her dick bigger than yours?
Believe me honey Imma fuck the discount out of at least one plastic surgeon in my life
I wish I had a clear image of the dude who was sucking on my tit outside the bar last night
Okay, since we're going to be living together and I'm obviously better than you at everything, I have one single simple rule that I want you to follow: DO. NOT. FUCK WITH ME.
Just because you haven’t had your UTI yet doesn’t mean you have a right to talk like Yoda
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