Remember that night when i almost got you arrested? Is that funny yet?
So remember when i bet you that girl uses dick to validate her existence?
...yea
She's valid.
you washed your face with toilet water last night.. i tried to stop you but you wouldn't have it.
Call me immediately, my only recent boy news involves me biting a dick.
These people keep looking at me like I'm the first person to ever eat ribs in a Home Depot.
we had to stop you from eating moldy cake.. twice.
Well. It was around 3 or 4 in the morning. He ran into the woods. Wearing moccasins. Holding an extension cord. He was trying to catch a deer. That about sums up the awesomeness of the night.
Just had a 10 minute long conversation with my cat about how if I died, and he needed to eat me to live, I'd totally be ok with it. Definitely still drunk.
So looks like I applied to adopt a dog last night. I'm completely ok with this
do me a favor, I need this weekend off so can you work your magic and blow my boss again?
Nooo. I was entirely happy pretending that my vagina only existed for peeing and releasing Satan's waterfall.
Do me a favor and scream dirty things at him in a polite sexy, come hither way
I'm not sure if I should pay him or he should pay me, but someone should get paid for the sex I had this morning.
While the cops were busting my party one of them said. O you have an Xbox? Do you play online? Whats your gamertag?....
So drunk me is not subtlety trying to get her boss to cheat on her husband and have a lesbian affair with me. Sober me is ok with that.
Randomize
