it will be a sad day when drinking racks of keystone isnt socially acceptable anymore
Im beginning to think that if I ever write an autobiography it will have to be mostly fill in the blank.
I don't know what you drank last night but you really enjoyed the 4 egg body shots.
well if I unknowingly shoved my hand up someones ass, I'm glad it was yours
andd if someone unknowingly shoved their hand up my ass without me knowing, im glad it was you
I ended up taking shots of whiskey and chasing them with potato wedges, I have never felt more Irish
...he tried to burn down someone's house once. ABORT ABORT ABORT
This santa hat i wore to the bar, served it's dual purpose as a vomit bag.
Off topic, but is it sad that Matthew and I are calculating how much sex we need to have in order to work off a taco bell burrito?
So basically, I've just woken up in another random bed and I go to get my pants and he's wearing them. Like my underwear is in them... What the fuck is wrong with my life?
You turned to me, winked, whispered "man the harpoons" and walked out with the fat chick
wow thanks for pushing me towards an older man
you gotta start somewhere if you're going to be a trophy wife
As pissed as she was, you would've thought I was trying to get back into his pants instead of his booze collection.
I don't think it's a coincidence that the day I just happen to do the splits at the gym I come back with 7 guys' phone numbers.
Plus you need some new dick in your life, the environment is fucked enough you don’t have to recycle anymore 😂💀
I just called my kid butt plug. Does that make me a bad mommy??
This may be the most diplomatic thing you've ever said
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