Im in the beachers at wrigley listening to four lesbians debate the pros and cons of 2girls1cup. Success.
you were so high you spent the rest of the night smelling pepper to prove you can sneeze with your eyes open
I'm in the laundromat a drunk armenian guy keeps trying to help me fold my laundry. Ah i'm going to miss queens.
Watching tv. She's giving me head and she hates it when I watch her.
I am undressing in in n out. They migit ca5l security. Are you provn d6 me?
OH MY GOD. SO PROUD.
It's ok that you're screwing someone else while trying to get back with me, I'm banging three girls while I ignore you.
He actually offered up a silent prayer thanking God for my "tremendous ass." You tell me how my night is going.
You called my nipples compassionate. What does that even mean?
To be fair, I'm probably one of the better candidates for the role of 'baby daddy' in this town
I dropped her off at home and her fiancé was shitty, it was 4:30 am. I told him I was the Uber driver
Good!!! I'm so proud of you for not snorting alcohol. Big girl steps.
What's the best way to tell someone that I accidentally wound up in a gay harem?
U wanna come over and watch talidaga nights. Ill make pancakes
What? It's 130 in the morning.
Aww come on i make bomb ass pancakes
woke up to two girls crawling on top of me forcefeeding me bacon. Best. Hangover. Ever.
Heard about your divorce. Let me know if I can do anything for you or your penis ;-)
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