3:26am: come over
you purposely dodge me and you could have stopped me from leaving, you know how far i live. YOU come over
4:11am: mnlodp
dude I don't understand hebrew and I'm not coming over
It's amazing how much better one feels once you put something in your vagina.
I literally had to tap out of the blow job. It was like a pornographic wrestling match
My last memory involves me naked in a mens's bathroom stall. I really hope my date was with me.
he was holding his dick in one hand and my boob in the other and i looked down and thought, this is my life
My number one goal in life is to find out who can fill a keg with Popov
You were crying in a drunken stupor for an hour because "the new daft punk album didn't blow your tits off"
He told me the hickey on the side if his neck was actually a "bruise" from hitting a bird on his motorcycle. I'm not sure what's more impressive, the fact people believed him due to the size of the mark or the fact you gave it to him.
Giving the guy pizza was a good idea. Leaving him naked on the pool table makes you my hero
i will not be out-irished. not this night. if i don't wake up tomorrow handcuffed to a hospital bed, i have failed my ancestors.
So it's official the pockets of my work apron exist solely for the purpose of secretly flipping off asshole customers and not losing my job.
I cant go through life without knowing what ginger pubes actually look like
there's a giant awkward home-wrecking elephant in the room. and its name is meg.
If hypothetically I needed to puke on the bus... how would I go about doing this.
Dude, I'm pretty sure I just drank iced tea last night and yet I'm still hungover. What the fuck is my body anymore ?
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