Hey dude. Went to the hospital. Call me when you get up
she's doing push ups on the keg. hows a girl supposed to compete with that?
i'm officially boycotting relationships. hello random hook ups and treating men like meat.
There is no point in being painfully greyhound thin if you are then going to dress like it's raining in 1992.
Her voice kills me. Its the perfect pitch to fuck with my hangover.
antibiotics and champagne: breakfast of champions
its 2pm. u awake yet?
ill text u back later. still peeling fingernail polish off my face.
Standing here wondering if its a good idea to cook pork chops in the toaster or not.
I love that you'd blow off your high school reunion to get shit faced in an aquarium with us
Um. We all know how I feel about sea life
Don't mention it
Just endorse me for cunnilingus on LinkedIn
I'm literally in the bathroom for two minutes and I walk out to a random dude with his face in your tits
Beer and Reeses. dinner of champions
His parents then knew me as the blackout who took care of him and stole his watch
I'm drunk and in a paddle boat and my friend won't quit yelling about pandas. Does this ever happen to you?
He was a Cher impersonator. They are the draggest of queens
Randomize
