whats up tonight?
Ice cream, wine, and teabags... Not the earl grey kind
For once I'd like to have a Taco Sunday without having some random drunk chick flee my house half naked and in tears.
My middle name is suave and my vagina shoots rainbows, what else would you expect?
there's no way I could forget finding someone else's hand in my pants
Hey mom, soo do we have a family lawyer or am I on my own for that?
I really wanted to pound but her roomate was making mac n cheese n shit so I was trying to time her moans to the drone of the microwave
We were wearing togas. So having sex was really easy to do without taking any clothes off.
Are you in a good mood because I stuffed you with enchiladas, ice cream, penis, and cuddles last night?
I’m not closing myself off the to the possibility of making a bad life choice.
Have you forgotten that this whole sexy cop role play started with a comment about my mom?
Driving, getting head and talking to your boss on the phone is not a good combination. I nearly died
i got woken up by a cockroach crawling onto my hand and now i'm pretty sure i'll never be clean again
you woke me up at 1am last night high on cough syrup to tell me jay z was an idiot for cheating on beyonce
Wanna buy a dildo with me during your lunch break tomorrow?
Of course you try to burn the house down on the one night we take down the smoke alarm so we can use the fog machine more
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