I never doubt that you might be drinking at any moment.
As of this morning, vodka still has the other side of my BFF necklace. She treats me right.
I love college. Only here at ten in the morning can you hear "Man, hot sauce on my pussy was my worst idea in a long time." while walking down the hall.
Do I buy ice cream sandwiches or a 40? these are the difficult life decisions I am faced with.
Just woke up with 34 slim-jims in my pocket. Too afraid to check the others.
well if I unknowingly shoved my hand up someones ass, I'm glad it was yours
andd if someone unknowingly shoved their hand up my ass without me knowing, im glad it was you
Dude I broke my bong in half this morning. I kicked it as I was jerking off. I would never hide anything from you.
i was wearing footie pjs. how could there be confusion as to who i hooked up with, thats not something you forget
whoooo knowwsss what george of the jungle juice is but i feel like im in the promised land
Roommate is hosting a 'sorority retreat' at our house. If you need to get laid, stumble on over.
Hatred of squirrels is the least of my hereditary problems.
5 minutes Isn't even long enough to bring me even close to an orgasm. How selfish. Think about baseball and fuck me you idiot.
You pretended to be Borat in that weird slingshot bathing suit and then proceeded to send another dick pic/nude selfie and said you weren't naked because you were wearing a hat.
It's time you knew: I have been dating your probation officer for 7 months. Pretty certain he's THE ONE. So, thanks for being a criminal.
Complete and utter failure. 100% unsalvageable. I have not failed so hard at a culinary endeavor in YEARS. MY HONOR IS IMPUGNED I HAVE SHAMED MY HOUSE
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