Just walked pass a bum on the way to a coinstar... awkward
i was calling myself "cat the lion" and tried eating the computer mouse because i thought it was "my prey"
Dude you can't like a status about me getting hit by a car
The only thing worse than listening to you two fuck all night was waking up and smelling bacon and there not being any left.
Somehow I magically turned down a threesome last night. On my birthday. You're a horrible wingman.
I'm sorry i ruined our friendship with a boner
There no better feeling of self control than stopping yourself before telling your girlfriend she gives head just like her sister.
Good news. That bum you thought that died is alive.
I mean, on what planet are nipples suppose to look like that?
They sleep with other people as long as there is no oral. Logic and reason were thrown out the window a long time ago with them.
Just realized I've gone to court three different times with papers and a joint roller in my briefcase. #lawyeroftheyear
Well I'm missing half a toenail if that's any indication of my night
The fact that my boss lets me drink on my lunch break makes Mondays much easier.
Goddamnit, guys. I got lube all over my kindle.
Well, personally I like to keep my blackmail in well organised folders.
Randomize
