Oh fyi, I gave your card to a homeless guy last night and told him you were the world's hottest blonde girl who only likes black men...Sorry
it was funny though when you first woke up you pointed at my shoe and said i need my jacket and then put my shoe on your hand
I had a party to get rid of booze. Woke up with even more. Will do this till I can open a liquor store
It's just like riding a horse. A very tall, gay horse.
They thought we spoke German and French even though we just kept repeating "I give to you a cat" and "Are you drunk?"
He wouldn't let me go down on him. He stopped me and told me he was a giver.
I woke up to a hotel manager knocking on my car ( window was down) and asking if I was ok
Is it acceptable I'm laying in bed drinking airplane bottles?
In our world? Yes, but I'm disappointed yoiu are wasting airplane bottles. Save them for sneaky occasions
Last time i carry you out of a forest
This ER has an aquarium in it!!!
If it was any colder outside, the frost from my breath would make a mixed drink
Someone is giving away free yogurt on craigslist. Can I get a ride?
It's 8 in the morning and you're doing coke and drinking margaritas. First, you have a problem. Second, why didn't you invite me?
You're even getting laid in my dreams, god I'm a good wingman
I don't mean to alarm you but are the strongest testicles in the family. I just learned I can lift 90 lb with my balls! Beat that.
Randomize
