I almost hooked up with this girl last night. she had a tattoo of a cardinal next to her cooter. said it reminded her of her grandpa
i don't remember it, but i know we had sex because my stuffed animals were facing the wall
Did you wake up with "jello shots" stamped on your hand too?
Her directions to the house party: "the north star will guide you, turn left. I'm wearing the potato hat"
drunkie insisted on stuffing the rest of his scrambled eggs in his pockets before we left ihop. we really should have left a better tip
I don't think child baring hips is a compliment.
in the middle of giving him head in the backseat of my car he taps me on the shoulder, opens the door, throws up three times and then proceeds to tell me how amazing i am.
I can't tell if I'm hungover or if my cat just knocked the lamp on my face
I think a van full of parolees just blew me kisses. Thoughts?
This conversation has now reached a level of awkward that even a passerby streaking hobo couldn't break.
That does it. We're drinking til we're pirates.
I cannot FaceTime with your penis
its so sad we are done celebrating 21st bdays everytime one of us turned 21 everyone else got laid
Nothing like a little " am I gonna shit myself " to spice up the work day
Well, you started screaming "I dont know you GO AWAY" to your mom when she was holding your hair as you threw up in her garden.
Randomize
