a creepy fucking ass man came up and started raven cawwing in my ear... he said it was the raven mating call. i am officially freaked out
Ya I got a cut on my head from the toilet seat last time I drank there.
Do you know how difficult it is to give head to someone who's imitating Forrest Gump?
You broke into someone's house and stole a pan of lasagna.
Tonight when I'm getting a bj from a stripper I'm gonna imagine it's you bobbing down there
Would you have sex with a guy wearing a Batman mask?
It's all hypothetical, I don't have a Batman mask... yet...
I just saw a stripper light her nipples on fire. Im terrified and impressed all at the same time
It's a sad day when you can't take off your pants and drink a margarita at work.
just woke up on the floor of my shower...it was still runnning
This is why you are going on a date. To see if he is fun or if we need to shank him in the parking lot.
lol I'll trade you jello for a tampon
what a trade!
Let's get drunk and take out your tonsils tonight
Just filed for child support I hope he gets the paperwork on Father's Day
Found your brother. He was passed out in the tub holding a bottle of Shatto milk wearing nothing but his tighty-whities.
scale of one to ten how loathsome is it to save my chocolate easter bunny to use for a topping on my edibles
Randomize
