i just ate a whole pizza and threw it back up in the time span of 13 minutes. give me the number to guiness book of world records.
For some reason there are two like 10 year old black girls crumping at the bar. I feel like I'm in a missy elliot video.
She asked the taxi driver to stop at the Texaco because she had to puke. She did then stumbled into the gas station and bought a 40.
I've never seen a homeless man jog to get off the bus and then run to his panhandling spot because he's "late for work," but you see something new every day.
I'm at work, and just realized I the beer smell I keep getting random whiffs of is my bra. I fail at life.
Due to certain anatomical proportions it was less like fucking and more like childbirth.
The worst thing about him living around the corner is that who ever suggests the booty call is the one that walks over.
Yes. Amanda is the only option and I want cake so I can sacrifice my vagina.
No shame December is a go.
Just blew a guy who had the same phone case as me. It was destiny.
Thursday could be nutella day. You could make me a nutella sandwich and then fuck me senseless
Do you know how hard it is to give a bj in your dead grandmothers car
My date ended with her leaving the bar with that guy who used to jerk off in the back of the school bus.
He caught me mid-escape...one leg out the window, bra n thong in hand.I just looked at him and said "Bye Now" n proceeded to fall out his window....then.... tell me why he texted me 30 min later to make sure i got home ok! #igotthis
My New Years resolution is to not hook up with random guys.
Mine is to not hook up with anyone who has a kid.
As I walked across the lawn after the party got busted, an officer told me to chug my beer before I left the premises.
Randomize
