My mom just told me to drench my entire body in vodka for 20 minutes. I have never been this russian. no one has ever been this russian
How do you say "I'm not pregnant in Spanish?"
Drunk off five beers on a Tuesday. I'm not sure which part of that statement is more sad
When you start quoting save the last dance you need to stop drinking
I joked that if anyone could fuck a 35 year old woman while wearing head bands and arm sweat bands it's you and look what happens.
i gave up on the vacation being fun the night i ate all the marshamallows out of the lucky charms while everyone else was having sex in the condo
Just watched my entire extended family eat salad out of the bowl i threw up in last night.
The people at subway are so judgy when you stop to get a sandwhich on your walk of shame
Think of all the island guys I could have. Ah well.
You can not bait me into a "how Stella got her groove back" call and response.
I was at the pharmacy picking up my herpes medication and the pharmacist asked if I had any questions about my medicine, looked at the bottle, and laughed. Insult to injury man.
The bump on my forehead, i think, was from falling asleep at front door, on my knees, slumped over. But we played good music so what?
Well start with a list of things you don't want to do... Like maybe 1) I don't want join Isis. That's a good start.
You did a cartwheel, it was terrible.
I remember that cartwheel, it was okay.
I'm starting to think that Cosmic Steve ripped me off
soo... how was my night?
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