True or false: I did not bring home a 28 year old last night.
True? Did she teach you things?
She taught me the meaning of awkward goodbyes at 530 am.
Someone obviously heard us on their way to class. They stopped at my door and started singing afternoon delight.
Did I happen to mention where i left my keys when I drunk dialed you last night
So we just left her at the hospital. She is not ruining my Monday night
I was just crying my tits off and he was just sitting there listening. I was an open book of embarrassing life stories.
Wine is not your friend.
She just asked if I wanted to eat nachos off of her boobs... I'm going to marry this girl.
I wonder if you're allowed to smoke pot at Denver bronco games now...
Amazon.com "suggested" I buy both nipple clamps and opera gloves.
me + whiskey = a bad person
You bring me burritos. Of course I text you during sex
I would say that that is the last time I ever drink a bottle of jack in two hours, but really who am I kidding?
If you don't believe in my fighting skills, I don't know if we can be together
So I woke up this morning to find my laptop open, with a google search for "where to buy marble", and a hungover naked northern girl in my bed who told me that I claimed to be a sculptor last night and that I promised to sculpt a bust of her hands...
Can you imagine doing supermarket sweep in a sex store? What's the sex store equivalent of a whole ham?
She yelled “outlaw country” right before we heard the police siren
Randomize
