u know u need to get laid when watching mike wazowskis gf from monsters inc makes u horny
I'm going to get a baby outfit made and send it to her that says: "My husband fucked his subordinate and all I got was another baby".
Just witnessed a fat girl fall off the treadmill, pop a medicine ball, and drink coke out of a water bottle all in one workout.
One blow job doesn not make me gay.
My roommate's all sad and is crying and the chick I want to bang is in the room and Nic Cage is on fire. What the fuck.
Also, at 1:30 I emailed myself saying, "are you there Margaret? It's me, god"
How would one go about tricking someone into chugging an entire bottle of tequila?
my liver gets a handicap on account of the whole being diseased thing
Middle of vacation, he walked into an audition for a Broadway musical in a drunken stupor. I think he got the part.
Can I bring home a duck? Dead serious
My wife just tried to justify to me why she wants to bring a girl into bed with us. I should win an academy award for my face and response of 'well of its what you need.'
There is a check pinned to the wall at Connor's. It's a check I wrote for $1,000,000... To you. Clearly you made out well on St. Patrick's day. Thanks for being too shitfaced to remember to grab that.
I don't know. I'm drunk and dressed as a pirate but ill do the math tomorrow morning.
Just saw a fat guy on a flower print moped. He's my hero.
Just bought shot glasses from the thrift store. I think the guy buying a winter coat was even judging me.
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