Why did I cab home last night?
Because you said you were drunk, sad, and someone called you a hooker.
I wish you wouldn't refer to your breast milk as "ammunition"
Babe, the 4 years we've been together have been amazing. Will you marry me?
are you seriously doing this over text message
hahaha no, but i am dumping you.
The "puke-towel" started to grow something...
I think I'm drunk. That wine was old. I found it behind the water heater next to the mouse poison.
I can't feel my brain.
if that blanket by the dog bowl was your dog's "bed" then i apologize to bailey for having sex on it
Had "I should be in prison or dead" storytime at the bar. Found out James has done blow off a dead guy. Overwhelmed and speechless.
My vagina can tell he is in a metal band. I dont know if I can sit down.
For public speaking we have to bring an object that describes us to class. Can't decide if I wanna bring a flask or a shot glass.
I apologize for violently hooking up with her in front of you in the jacuzzi last night.
Scary truckers and hobos. These are the men I attract
We discussed how many times we've passed out during sex. The answers may shock you.
I'm pretty sure the cop knew you were drunk when you tried to light your cigg with a chapstick.
I passed out while searching "symptoms of narcolepsy"...
No one can explain why there is Dora the Explorer shampoo in my shower...
Randomize
