Walk of shame was bad enough, but farting with each step as I walked past his roommates was just not cosmically fair.
This pizza tastes like mashed potatoes. HOW HIGH DO YOU THINK I AM?
Today was the day I stopped kidding myself and started buying the handle of vodka.
my mom used to put diet coke in my bottle. i can pretty much handle anything.
just found out this city drinks more beer during oktoberfest than rhode island does in a year.. i'm never leaving
I just took a shower and I feel like 20 pounds of sex just came off of me.
Seriously. What did you do to me. You have a monstercoooooock.
I can't believe I just typed monstercoooooock. Twice.
I was able to hide the fact that I had just shit in my pants, and then wupped her ass at FIFA
PENIS EMOJIS WOULD MAKE MY LIFE SO MUCH EASIER GAH WHY DOES THE WORLD HATE ME
I'm allotting you four buildings to piss on tonight. Choose wisely.
Hungover. No words. Just memes.
i now know why i keep getting pictures of poop. apparently someone put my number in a girls bathroom saying i am a poop lover.
you text any of them back? this is probably the most women you'll ever have texting you in your life. don't squander a good thing
Thanks to you I just drunkenly spot washed a Star Wars hoodie, at midnight on a Friday. If there is a greater level of nerdiness I do not know of its existence
She actually made an event on facebook for tomorrow when she does a pregnancy test, 8 people are attenting so far
We've been here for 9 days, so of course I am high at my in-laws' house.
Randomize
