you know how i said i wouldn't send that pic message of your lofted bed falling from you fucking a fat chick? that was after i sent it to your mom
You picked me up and threw me on a barstool and shoved shots in front of me.
Thats like the definition of a good friend
as I was walking out the door her and her roommate started singing "toot it and boot it".. I'm in love
Hung over. Bed full of legos for some reason. Not getting up. Come build stuff with me.
Oh my god please beg your father to turn the car around so you can possibly get laid by a knight at medieval times.
Oh eartly, In cocy youtu youchv make the wallflowers d tskunks!y, couch protection now,.sryou should feel special !
I wish my brain had a "congrats you just defeated the munchies" notification!
Went to work in the same clothes from last night, completely covered in glitter...I didn't choose the hag life, the hag life chose me
Let's say hypothetically if you were going to put icing on a penis and then lick it clean...what would you ice it with? Not a knife right?
He stole me a cantaloupe and we drunkenly broke into a park and ate it on a bench with my pocket knife. I think i need to marry him
Happy 4 year arrest-aversary! I promise no thanksgiving has been as eventful as that one haha..
Please come check out theses cougars grinding on a pole. I feel like they're showing us up and we need a duel stat
Getting blackout drunk infront of my family was never on my bucket list, but now that I've done it I'm cool with it.
Listen. The next time my first idea in the morning is "hometown buffet and a water bottle full of captain morgan", please make me go back to sleep.
he would NOT stop making out with my stomach! creeeeeepy
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