How's tricks little girl?
Trix are for kids, old man.
I know I'm really high but I swear I just saw him beating off to his fantasy football roster.
on the brightside, the semester can only get better from getting a dui at 8 am on the first day.
your optimism is becoming unhealthy
she just walked in and said "well, I got peed on again"...
shattered his nose in 8 pieces. Blaming it on the dog. I feel more guilty about ruining the dog's good name than I do about ruining his nose.
They found a chair, duct taped me to it, then gave me a bottle of vodka to 'make me feel at home'
I put the extra pregnancy test in my sex toys box as a reminder that my actions have consequences.
You're just jealous because you lost me and I ended up at another party licking Marshmallow Fluff bikinis off of lesbians.
You just made it sound like a children's toy! It's a functioning body organ, my vagina is not a gameboy!!!
My life is a joke. Told everyone last night that they could call me Mrs. McCormick because I'm gonna end up alone with a handle of peach vodka anyways.
I just haven't been myself lately. I slept with a guy 21 years older than me and I've been wearing my hair in a center part.
making my breakfast out of the pot brownies we made last night. Safe to say it's time to go grocery shopping.
Masturbating to death wouldn't be a terrible way to go. If you die tonight, I'll know how it went down. Promise not to tell your family.
I almost just opened my door to get my pizza butt ass naked
I just watched a magician wearing a fedora deep throat a balloon\n
Randomize
