That cute girl I hooked up with last night clawed my back to hell and gave me a hickey. I look like a white trash warewolf victim
My gyno actually laughed when I told her about his penis size.
I got three cases. When they asked for id I said it was suspended for drunk driving.
giving a blow job on a jetski isn't as easy as it sounds.
I just let someone steal something bc they were so fucking weird and wouldn't leave me alone
Sometimes he's such a bitch I forget that he's not actually a girl. Last night I asked him if I could borrow a tampon.
He had some in his pocket. That was weird.
I just love slightly exposed cleavage. Not too much to be whory but just enough to say "your kids will never go hungry"
and then you made a playlist that was just "party in the usa" on repeat...
I think she's a little more wasted than usual. She just crawled on the floor to tell mom it was time to take a shot.
I am literally sitting here with a jar of Nutella and a spoon, reading an article called "never drink alone again because now there's wine for cats." How single am I?
I was a little curious what "unspeakable" things he could possibly do to my feet
He told me was "pretty like the wife in some movie where the husband is a cheater." I think I'm gonna fuck him.
orgy was averted by karaoke, thank god
Just found an airplane bottle of whiskey and I didn't put it in my coffee. I think I deserve a little recognition this morning.
Mass text: dear whatever jerk off who thinks they stole drugs from me. It was birth control. Go fuck yourself. And pray that I don't get pregnant.
Who puts their birth control in a bottle with a smiley face?!
Oh fuck wait
Randomize
