it seems as if every mistake i've ever made in life i've had an errection in one hand and a bud light in the other
we are driving next to a guy driving and masturbating while looking at a naked magazine. I love LA
You know ure stoned when u start thinking about making a bacon smoothie
i had a dream last night that my liver tore its self out of my body and ran away.
You know that hot fire fighter I fucked yesterday? Well him and two other guys are killing the fire on my stove. Awkward.
I just want you to know that were having pizza delivered to the emergency room
Does saving a line for myself for the morning so I don't seem hungover at work count as responsibility?
Adult decisions.
You are NEVER going to guess whose penis was JUST in my mouth!!!
I'll give you a hint, we ate paste with him in kindergarten.
What's grosser: using a dirty sex towel as an oven mitt? or using the oven to reheat superbowl bean dip for dinner?
The black hole just entered the party man, I can literally see guys starting to move towards her.
Let's just say that the best way to get a girls attention is not to slap her on the ass from the window of a moving cab.
He literally stole all the change that was on my floor and ran away while I was peeing. I have to rethink my standards.
at one point, you reached into your purse, pulled out a tampon, and proceeded to rub it on your lips like chapstick... that drunk
Whenever I have a bad day I just look at the negetive pregnancy test I keep in my purse and remind myself things could be alot worse.
I totally fucked your pastor last night.
You're his wife.
Still a dirty get down.
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