dude we gotta go shopping. I made pancakes this afternoon and used them as sandwich bread.
well tonys high enough to be moving from spot to spot around the kitchen shooting tortellini into a boiling pot and yelling "KING JAMES" whether he makes or misses it.
I am kinda proud of you, its like seeing my slutty baby take its first step
After throwing up in a tequila bottle on my nightstand (still not sure how she did that) she asked if she could slip into something more comfortable.
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I didn't hate myself when I woke up today, that's improvement right?
In the middle of the State of the Union, she unzipped my pants and started giving me head. I've never been so proud to be an American.
Putting a breathalyzer in a bar is a horrible idea. But I won
I'm still drunk. it's summer. I just need a hot dog and an aspirin.
I swear to god, my hangover cure is a green tea and a 15 minute twerkout. works every time
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Three Asian guys got on the elevator with a handle of Hennessey and a sleeping bag. This is not the start of a joke.
I'm turning into an adult here.
Adults touch each other's special zones.
That's it. I'm moving to LA & sitting on his face.
I was at a crossroads, dude. Like, do I wanna eat chicken McNuggets or talk about my feelings?
I think it’s appropriate to celebrate the start of mother’s day at the bar with the men that almost made me a mother
Why did I wake up with a half-eaten burrito and a vaccuum cleaner in my bed? ...on top of me.
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