I just saw a girl walking home wearing a tshirt, boxers, and cowboy boots. Thanks for having the decency to drive me to my car.
I didn't know people actually cried after sex.
Have you ever noticed that the cities in car commercials look really futuristic?
...did you eat that brownie?
My ex just sent me a message asking if she could blow me, but only if we get caught by her new bf. If she promises to swallow I'm doing it.
I just won a riveting game of "who can drink the most vodka out of a hollowed out watermelon". Fucking New Yorkers.
There's a dead squirrel in the freezer. Is that what you stopped to get out of the road last night?
Some guy walked in while I was taking a piss and asked me if I knew of a back way out of the bar. He looked pretty freaked out.
I guess that means I was blowing a nerd last week.
And loving it.
You'll be happy to know that the bruise is gone from my cock
I think I broke my toilet with my head. There are ceramic pieces everywhere. and I might still be drunk.
You wouldn't eat with utensils. You insisted on making your own spoon out of a bendy straw and staples while singing "I'm a survivor" by Destiny's Child.
sarah's view on last night: a threesome to make things less awkward. oh, well done.
He just kept repeating "It was like meep meep meep on my balls."
Intelligence report: the hot sister called you gross, the sweet sister says you're dumb, and the smart sister says all the other men she knows would have to die for her to hook up with you.
Somehow my life has turned in to drug deals at the bar, and illegally camping on a mountain because I have no where else to live.
Randomize