Just met a female bro. Things are weird at the rugby party.
I just spent all my babysitting money on red cups and beer.
People still let you watch their kids?
but the good news is i woke up with 15 dollars in my pocket so i probably sold my phone instead of puking on it
Yeah I'm gunna date him. I figure its regular sex and maybe feelings will come in time...it worked for arranged marriages...
How creepy of a mustache can you grow by wednesday night?
He managed to get his pants on, so the cop just sat there facing us with his lights shining in the car. I made shadow puppets.
my nipple ring is gone but someone was nice enough to replace it with a paperclip
I just told a kid I was in a wheelchair because Santa shot me due to me being on the naughty list. You should have seen this little bastards face
Just wanted you to know two things, 1st I sent the second thing to a broad ive been talking too. 2nd that was not just a fart.
Let me tell you how my drug dealer wants me to take his girlfriends little sister to jr prom
I climbed through his window to find him already with another booty call. This wouldn't have happened if I could upgrade from my 7th grade scooter to a real car.
…If I were you I wouldn't use that as part of your argument to your dad for a car
He said it wasn't ladylike of me to drink more whiskey than him. I told him to stop being a little bitch.
After walking ten blocks barefoot in Boston I've concluded drunk me needs to make better decisions.
He once bought a dildo and put fifty dollars and a happy anniversary note in the battery compartment I gotta lock him down while hes available
You should have just fucked me in the bathroom when you had a chance!
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