A relator touring our house this week saw the picture in our bathroom of steven passed out, yellow faced, with BALLS on his forehead, and had to ask "if that kid was alive or dead".
there was so much ham clogging the tub drain.. he said it was ok he has a cleaning lady
Great. My funeral dress now smells of smoke and disappointing sex.
He knows my period schedule but not my work schedule.
I tried giving you a bj last night and all you could manage was "Haha that tickles" and "in the morning"
He referred to his penis as "a gentle giant" and said I had offended it
I'm not saying Tijuana was a bad idea, I'm saying that we make poor life choices. And Steve was robbed by the police.
Was the first guy that bit your neck last night wearing a trenchcoat...I have a vague memory.
They just built a gym in the same parking lot as my favorite bar. Drunk me is gonna be so excited.
Drunk texting is the poetry of my life
Should I be concerned you put your last name in my phone as "danger"?
my grandma just gave me a shoebox fulled to the top with tootsie rolls and condoms with a not that said "enjoy college, find a big cock" i'm not sure how I feel about this
Worst walk of shame man. They had a fire drill at 7am, had to walk out of her all girl dorm wearing my Everday I'm Hustling sweater
We put you in the box and you started to cry, that's how high you were.
Let's do something tonight. I feel like setting things on fire.
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