I got raped by $2 you call it's. I'm still hammered. And mentoring high school kids. My life is a joke.
I need to surround myself with more reliable stoners...
Acid is not a monday night drug
I just got hit by a car. I'm fine; I'll be to the bars in about 15
I just took a shit in a BP station. It seemed appropriate since they are shtting in our ocean.
All I remember is yelling RUN as fireworks started going off in the kitchen. Who said that was a bad idea?
Slept on the counter again. Mom covered me in an apron.
I woke up this morning next to a stack of saltines & a txt from u saying "do it." it took me a second to remember wat was going on
Yeah dude I should be out of the ER in about an hr. They gave me vallium. Go tell the captain its time to set sail.
I'm doing somethin that's never been done before...the 10 am booty call come over
If by "Are you high?" u mean "Did you just pass out at Genghis Grill walking to your table and falceplant?" the answer is yes.
I'm Michael Phelps, Olympic Champion.
Are you just smoking weed? Cause that's not actually a Michael Phelps costume
You know how I said I hit my head so hard I saw two of him and tried to make out with both? Well, it turns out he has a twin.
Uhmmmm is there really any way to tactfully ask "you into me jerking you off with my feet... or nah" cause if you find one let me know đ
You couldnât remember the word hand jibber. Instead, your drunk ass offered the bartenders âunlimited hand frittersâ if they wouldnât cut you off.
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