I think tequila should come with a little jiminy cricket
I saw two morbidly obese women get winded after fighting over the last motorized wheelchair at Walmart
These are the moments in life you observe a force greater than us at work
Apparently senior citizens don't like that position
They nicknamed me the gargoyle. Sex with me is getting gargoyled. The last one I fucked yelled "gargoyle me" for dirty talk. I think fucking me is part of their pledging initiation. Somewhat OK with this.
It's my coworker's last day party and I'm the one who ended up shitfaced on the train with half a bottle of belvedere in my bag.
he also bled all over my floor. unrelated to cats but true nonetheless.
I found my keys in the basement freezer. Drunk me is a sneaky little bastard.
So I just sent my ex a video snap chat of me getting head from some Venezuelan hottie with the caption I still love you. Think she'll take me back?
Well for decently drunk, in the woods, last-person-i-should-be-hooking-up-with sex, i thought it was pretty good.
I was so ripped I had a natty light box over my head carrying a spray bottle out in the streets trying to give car washes.
I think it's time to give up this life and become vikings. You in?
My nerves will need dicks later so.. I'll call you
Sometimes I think he has a hidden camera in my vagina so he knows what I'm doing and saying at all times...
I wanted to say "you're a souless cunt" but in a nice way. So I added a smiley face.
There's a big ass bed, hella ecstasy, and I can guarantee you'll regret every second that you remember.
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