yea, the bartender wouldn't serve you because you kept asking for "a slice of beer"
So my teacher figured out I made a drinking game out of her lecture. Once my drink was gone she let us out. Happy St. Patricks day class. Your welcome
She woke me up, whispered "I like the size of your dick", kissed me, and rolled over and went back to sleep
just once i'd like the "right thing" and the "topless thing" to be the SAME THING
I just asked the contractor building my house what it would cost to put a garbage disposal in all the shower drains...there was a lot of judging going on.
i woke up and the dog was eating spaghetti off my chest.
Things I woke up with this morning: half a mcmuffin, orange hair, one shoe and a friendly german man. Tequila was a brilliant idea.
Got in a bar fight defending Prince. Thought you ought to know. He gets his dick sucked cooking eggs for breakfast.
I puked on myself in front of a customer. all. over. myself. thanks Saturday nights
He wouldn't let me ride him with a Ninja Turtles hat on...
It makes showers more interesting trying to drink a gin and tonic and keep soap out of my eyes at the same time.
You need to calm down.
I got a snap of someone jumping off a light pole. Was that you? Please confirm or deny. #onWisconsin
Last night he told me I was never sexier than when I was cutting pizza. Seriously. Like, he's perfect.
I went to steal condoms from your room and all I could find was chik fil a sauce
In order to get rid of my bladder infections I must give up caffeine, nicotine and tight pants. It's like my pussy is an angry dictator or something
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