I told her Billy Mays couldn't convince me to sleep with her
Pretending to be straight requires way more energy than I'm willing to use in this heat.
I have a question, if it paid really well, like ridiculously well, would you be a restaraunts under the table resident blowjob girl?
Really? How much of his life do you think he remembers? I'm pretty sure 75% of it qualifies as "kind of a blur".
I think I wrote "thanks for the free alcohol!!!" in their wedding guest book and I'm almost positive I signed my name
seriously considering responding to a craigslist ad for a lesbian cunninlingus instructor...at this point i'm so desperate for a job that i'm willing to switch teams.
Did you just send me an ass picture with a quote from the lion king?
What are you gonna do about it?
Whatever the emoticon is for "balls deep". That.
I have to remind myself to breathe. That hungover.
I think I accidentally invented a religion.
The last I heard from her she said she was going to plant sunflowers, get drunk on white wine and listen to Everybody Wants to Rule the World on repeat.
I can't wait to see you & have espresso-fueled sex
No. I don't like you. I like your penis. Chin up. At least I like part of you.
Do you ever wake up and realize playing beer pong with your parents wasnt a dream? Your mom really beat you
We hotboxed his bathroom. going to be a good night
Hotbox went wrong - smoke sets off fire alarm. Firefighters coming
Randomize
