Your dad touched me again.
He finally told me that he's married. I guess it doesn't really matter.
everyday i am more and more thankful i can still check the no box for "have you ever been convicted of a felony?" on applications
God dammit, you have a cape and I don't even have a fucking jacket.
Come on. It's already happy hour in Europe...Man up. "I'm at work" and "it's a tuesday" are not valid excuses.
I know it's pride week, but your asshole is just never supposed to taste like banana.
That dick who always called me a slut in high school showed up at the clinic with boner problems. Then I was assigned as his nurse. Who's laughing now. I AM.
Breakfast-of-shame with my mother. I was in half of a sexy Mad Hatter costume. We had artisan bagels and judgement.
She's laying here with her head in my lap stoned, eating Doritos, whining about her boyfriend, and listening to Cher. Fuck the friend zone.
As a matter of fact, I am on the treadmill with the Bottle of UV Blue as we speak.....
I woke up this morning with a half eaten bagel and an empty pack of imitation crab meat in my bed. This is going to be my response to pick up lines now.
Woke up and took my pants off only to realize that I was wearing my shirt from last night as my underwear
I just started talking about how noodles were so good
Is it too far to say to someone "you're useless for everything besides sex"
New Orleans is just like you. Dirty but beautiful and will always have a special place in my heart
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