the vacuum is drunk
what?
i spilled my drink and tried to vacuum it and now the vacuum is drunk
Made out with me girlfriend while she was peeing. all time high, or all time low?
I'd love to come and give you a massage, but we already duck taped my keys to the ceiling...
I don't remember which guy I met at the bar is coming to pick me up. It will be like my birthday surprise.
You know, he picked a really shitty time to stop sleeping with me to pay attention to his girlfriend.
I feel like a squirrel prepping for the winter on dollar beer nights.
I miss your penis. I'm telling you this as a friend, like its just a really great penis. You should be proud of it.
Gotcha. Well, I'm puking and trying to keep down water from a mug that says "love the moment" around the rim. Not loving this particular moment.
Any chance you used one if the curtain rods in the fireplace room as a sword? One is missing
I'm dressed as a caveman and drunk so that's not really an option
Hey douche face I just want you to know, if you ever got hit by a bus, I'd really miss you.
Only if you died obviously.
my sex drive just dried up, fell out, and is rolling on the floor somewhere.
I woke up with a hangover and a man bun. Reached over to drink water and accidentally chugged raspberry vodka. So there's that.
not only did u rap a voicemail to me last night.... but it lasted so long that it cut you off so you called back to finish..... never do this again
As long as it's before midnight it's cool. But it would be understandable to ring in my new year shitting myself just before I go to Iraq.
Randomize
