So we tried to 69 with him on top. NEVER TRY IT. His balls were in my eyes and it was terrifying.
Peter invited his little brother to smoke with us and he is trying so hard to pretend he's done it before. When he saw the weed he was like "hell yeah!" and everyone got completely silent and just looked at him
It was just a squirrel
You act like its normal to see a squirrel in the bar
my stepmom is let-the-dog-eat-out-of-her-mouth drunk. oh my god.
As punishment for throwing up on my car, I am holding your phone hostage until the morning. You can read this message after I drop it off.
if i can get a chik with a dibaetes pump naked a sling certainly isnt going to get in my way
Sundays should be dedicated to Girl Scout cookies, sex, and super hero movies.
I once puked on the side of the hwy driving home and it somehow made me feel more Canadian. So don't rule it out
BRING ME THE PLAN B. ILL GIVE YOU A FREE WATER BOTTLE AND A BUMPER STICKER AND SOME BACON BITS
This is what happens when you live with someone you met on Grindr
When I said tequila slammers would be the death of me, I didn't intend it to be today. Oh god.
You declared that afternoon sex will be referred to as "wet naps" from now on
I can now say I know getting hit in the face with a flying tortilla is not fun
ok morning sex is a totally valid reason to come in late... ur good, cya in 20
He told his wife he was too old to pretend to be straight. She tried to argue. He walked two tables over and was like this is my highschool sweetheart and he's an excellent fuck, we're running away together. It was epic.
Randomize
