I only kidnapped one of them. chill
I just did something awful... i just had to tell someone... i just used my brothers electric face cleaner as a vibrator
I forgot it was 4/20. that COMPLETELY explains the 7/11. i was like "that's a lot of white dudes... and they're really into snacking."
she just gave her compliments to the chief, at dennys
I opened a jar of Ragu so I could use it as a cup. You tell me how it's going.
I just had a flashback of 4:30am: me hugging the toilet bowl and you handing me a jar of pickles to open. There is something seriously wrong with us.
I have to keep checking she's breathing. This is why we don't drink on Sundays
Now you have tequila AND fuzzy slippers. Fuck you. I want that to be MY night.
Tried to ride the mechanical bull pants less, got punched for making out with some lesbians wife, and you tipped the bartender with a can of skoal.
I regret nothing
Not sure what happened last night, but I woke up without a shirt on and cereal glued to my boobs...
I WAS SURROUNDED BY HAIRY BALLS ALL ALONE.
I can handle him. I'm made of spite and hot wings.
last night you made out with a 19 year old on a bar and i woke up with a swede in my bed. lets just say that never happened.
We're pretty sure we got naked at Pride, so running the two blocks to your place in my underwear is a step up the dignity ladder really.
I have to have boobs, you have the charm and wholesomeness that gets boyfriends... And i have boobs
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