he just kept saying that he had liquor dick..then he tried to fuck me without removing his pants.
Funny, I didnt know that facebook statuses were for crappy song lyrics
The guy in the cast riped the tap off the keg and hit steve with it
Breakfast-of-shame with my mother. I was in half of a sexy Mad Hatter costume. We had artisan bagels and judgement.
I believe its time to stop celebrating Thanksgiving. I've been drunk for over a week. If my liver doesn't give out, and I'm not pregnant I will truly have something to be thankful for.
MEET ME OUTSIDE YOUR HOUSE IN THREE MINUTES. BE DRUNK. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
Dude, I brought the fucking tequila to that party and they cheered for the chick that seriously only brought limes.
I love 4am trips to the ER. I feel so responsible for actually making it all the way here.
I want to show up to tomorrow's study group looking like I got hit by a train. A train made of dicks.
Yeah. I don't know. I'm just gonna show up at her place on valentines day with a jock strap, box of chocolates, and rose clenched between my ass cheeks with "be mine" written across my glorious man titties.
YO. MCGRIDDLES.
this is honestly why we're friends. we drink tea and plan to do drugs together.
You know you suck at relationships when you are sitting in the airport on Christmas day, alone, swiping on Tinder.
Do you have feelings for this penis?
I'm eating cold pizza from work and drinking beer from a wine glass trying to decide if I want to shower or just rub one out and go to sleep. How have I ever gotten laid?
Because you're really hot before taking the time to actually get to know you.
Randomize
