The guy in front of me in line at Starbucks looks kinda like Danica Patrick except he has a huge boner.
And then he came out of the bathroom in a kimono
somehow I got talked into dressing up like a hot dog, spinning around ten times, and shooting lay ups in front of thousands of students
I kept whispering "I love it when you call me big papa" until she got annoyed and left
I just licked the seasoning off all the doritoes in the bag. Tell me when I should stop drinking or I'll just move on to the sunchips
I just took a shower and found half a cookie melted under my boob. Please tell me there's a reason
new costume idea. paint swatches and a ball gag... I'll be 50 shades of grey.
Just trying to get my dicks in a row.
You were discovered in a bush, smoking, and singing "in the jungle" to yourself. Which explains the scratches, but not the orange paint.
Sitting topless in my room drinking wine from a box... It's good to be back at school
Good god you suck at this wake up call. Seriously. If I can, after consuming enough vodka to subdue a russian soldier, muster up enough motivation to call you in the morning and send you naked pictures the least you could do is pick up.
Like a gentleman I waited until you were done vomming to start my Big Mac.
I worry about your feelings an awful lot for somebody who gets off on making you cry
I'm going to ride your dick until it falls off. That horny.
I'm equal parts terrified and turned on. Come over.
Just looked at my bank statement. 9 out of 10 transactions on the first page were from 9 different bars. The 10th was for birth control pills at the pharmacy. I need to rethink my lifestyle.
Randomize
