Did you go home with that guy without me?
Sorry boo - it's pouring and I found a boy with a car
i either just vomited on a lesbian or a small boy
Just had to reach into my sister's bag and shut off her vibrator so my parents wouldn't hear it. I am the world's greatest brother.
so how was last night?
got high and had our usual talk about the definition of cole slaw. then tried to call the ramen noodle company and convince them why my face should be on thier packages.
I was just given a safe word. It's going it be an interesting night.
I'm back here naked if anyones wondering
She rode an inflatable shark down the stairs. Viva shark week.
I found your dog. Now we are bros, so he is staying. Don't call, don't make it weird.
He's tying my arms above my head and all I can think is that I should've shaved my armpits
I appear to have wine on my toes. I am really not clear as to how this happened. I'm gonna have a little lie down.
Dealing with people is so much easier after you've had an orgasm or 4.
I like being woken up by phone calls of you sabotaging marriages
...I just added shower water to my vodka on ice\n#sendhelp
Already doing pt exercises by picking my margarita up off the night stand. Fuck yeah.
I think I am just gonna marry that lesbian. She is more of a respectful gentleman than any of the guys I've slept with.
Randomize
