I'm curled up in a ball on the floor of my office with the lights off. I hope no one notices. No more open bar. Woof.
I never said you were fat, just too fat for ME
He asked if I wanted to blow his flute? Please call me and pretend there is a family emergency!!!
i just put all of my beerlympics medals into my academic awards box. i would say they are my greatest achievement since college.
Sorry I never got back to you, I ended up at a party with pot ice cream, pot apple cider, and hash vegetable oil.
It was awful. Mid hookup he started reading the titles of the books over my bed, which were about Russian imperial history. He then started asking me questions about the class I was reading the books for. I was like "WE HAVE TIME FOR THAT LATER, PLEASE CONTINUE."
It was like coming out my mothers vagina again in slow motion
my favorite sex position is the one where no sex actually happens we just get really stoned and eat a lot and watch netflix in the dark
I got custody of our girlfriend in the breakup.
They came over the loud speaker and said "no laying on the dance floor.." I thought i was dancing, but apparently that's just the way it started out.
i'm licking honey sensually off my arm while alone in my room. what has my life come to
I think all the guys I've fucked in my life would get along perfectly. They'd probably form an orchestra and travel the fucking world. That gives me the slightest feeling of consistency in life which is great.
Eat, nap, & pace yourself. Words to live by.
... why is there baby oil , black socks and frozen hot dogs in the sink this morning ?
we found her. shes in the bathtub full of raw pasta. i dont even know...
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