then my best friend's brother, boyfriend, and future bro in law showed up at the bar. they asked who i was there with. didn't know if "a 40 year old man" or "my 5th grade teacher" was better answer.
I'm dreading the fact that when the dominoes guy comes, he will ask me if i placed an order under the name "high as shit".
well judging by the amount of dired blood around my nipple rings i'm gonna assume it was a good night
I'm really sorry we tried to have sex on top of you last night.
its official. the only way for my hair to look good is to blow somebody
I might be a bit. I accidently started hot boxing the bathroom. I'm just gonna go with it.
If I end up married to you I better get lots of orgasms to help me forget I failed at life.
Imagine Captain Hook, but in penis form and sometimes shy.
Alls I wanted was a fun New Years but I end up fingering a geico sales representative on a futon and giving her a ride to work the next morning
Definitely just threw up in a mcds cup going through Wendy's drive thru. I'm way to hungover to go to work today
What do you mean? Just eat his food and have sex with him. Unless you want a relationship, then just eat his food.
Pray for me. I just had a sex dream about Debbie Wasserman-Schultz.
Because you put the dick in ridiculously amazing boyfriend. And you deserve to have nice things happen to your penis. That's why.
I don’t have the time, patience, or blood alcohol level to deal with her.
there were rolls with just one bite out of each one leading to the bedroom. you were laying on the bed naked and yelled 'you did it you followed the bread crumbs!'
Randomize
