sorry I missed your bday party.,I was vid chatting with that new guy I'm talking to all night...happy biirthday though
I didnt pay $190 for a fake with a new middle name of Vane..
people from other dorms came to marvel at the dump i took. i had a bio major take a picture.
did the hipsters beat you up because you are more ironic than they are?
he left me a 6 minute video of him peeling a clementine listening to justin bieber
i woke up with "only hugh can prevent florist friars" written up my arm ... i need to know what we did last night
well what she called a "work function" most people call "doing shots with your boss while people throw napkins at you."
Slutty costumes are my most sacred holiday tradition! Wearing a not-slutty costume is like putting cheezwiz on a communion wafer.
It was like the perfect storm of bad decisions.
I traded the garbage men the rest of my handle for a ride home. Best. Walk. Of. Shame. Ever.
It was like bizarre-o star trek. I shamefully went where every man has gone before.
I don't know when it is this year, but if I ever text you an illegible text that also happens to contain sharks, Shark Week started.
You woke up, mumbled something about forgetting to lock the truck at work, slapped my ass, then passed out again...
drinking vodka out of a wine glass to feel a little bit classier about myself.
No just a list of 20 of my favorite things
Where are penises on the list
Where am I on the list
Under penises
Randomize
