I just realized I'm gonna get paid at midnight on New Years Eve. That could be dangerous.
blowing a .13 at 10 AM isn't nearly as cool as I thought it would be.
I got to the apartment, I was handed a beer within 20 seconds, I'm glowing in the dark, there's fog everywhere, and now I'm wearing a sombrero because apparently it's silly hat night. I never want to leave.
I feel compelled to tell you that I woke up this morning and found an entire corn on the cob in my purse. Ive decided not to question my drunken behavior anymore, and to just accept it as my lifestyle.
no, forget the keg and come see this. prego pants here is dunking chicken nuggets into pudding and crying over a cat show on animal planet.
Ok fine. Wild. Free. Like a stallion set free in a beautiful meadow filled with flowers and sexy lady horses
You know how I've been hooking up with my ex? Well he told me he loved me and I said I was just there for sex so let's get it done. He looked sad, but he did it anyways. And life was good again.
She looks like she smells of sausage, sunblock and sorrow.
He might not have any marketable talents, but the kid dry humps like no other.
The cop looked me right in the eye and apologized for cock blocking me.
Is there evidence of another human being getting away with this/ not dying?
The bar tender had his entire hand down your asscrack.
I forgot about that. I was in MULTIPLE dimensions.
Welp. June's off to a great start. I just ripped my pants, completely sober, at 10:30 p.m.
I'd like to have a moment of silence for all the dicks she's broken off
I let a drunk straight girl spank me with a metal paddle at the bar tonight. Remind me to never do that again.
Randomize
