The bars here don't close until 4!
my legs don't close until 4
I'm at the bar and I just saw some unnecessary and accidental cooter...sometimes I think girls need a license to go out pantyless in public.
Killed two birds with one stone: found my wallet and unclogged the toilet.
and then when she swallowed her birth control with a shot of vodka and looked in my direction, i knew it was time to go.
I'm more concerned about the fact that I can't feel my gums
I showed that dick picture that your date texted you to everyone because you passed out and left your phone unattended. Your fault. Plus his cock was big so his fault too.
I know you're on vacation but you should know I just walk of shamed through a hotel lobby while leaving a threesome on Friday the 13th. Fuck superstition, I win.
I was so high I told him we should rub faces and pretend to be wombats. He was surprisingly enthusiastic about it.
YOU WERE HAVING SEX IN THE SAME BED I WAS SLEEPING IN. AND YOU GRABBED MY HAIR. OF COURSE I'M PISSED.
Single lady's Saturday night: eat doritos, masturbate, eat more doritos. Do shot of Jager. Repeat until desired result is achieved.
I just spent so much time grooming my landing strip and like, sex isn't even on the agenda tonight.
Oh, don't mind me, that's just my vagina rattling.
Of two things I'm absolutely sure: 1. I only took 2 hits off that joint and 2. I definitely ran over hedwig on the way home
You have no idea how awkward it is fucking someone with the same name as your dog
I showered three hours ago and yet feel the need for another one already. This is my day.
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