Just figured out how to smoke weed with a toaster.
I wish i could go to google and type in drug dealers and it would bring up a number, a product and direction
I've seriously contemplated telling him the baby isn't his just so I can meet Maury Povich
I'm wearing the bright blue sombrero all through the airport as a sign of triumph that I survived spring break. I'm getting compliments
I just got while a charlie horse while orgasming...most confusing feeling ever...
And on the subject of embracing my inner whore, I had two different dicks in my mouth yesterday. Friend, it's official. I'm completely outta control.
Just make sure my intervention has a theme...
I may or may not go. send a pic of a nipple so I know how much fun you're having
I arrived home at 7am wearing nothing but my underwear and a fedora. I ate half a dozen deviled eggs. Put Katy Perry on repeat. And cried myself to sleep. We cannot go out on Thursday anymore
I just added Tubthumping to the playlist for tonight. This is going to make or break the party.
He ain't mine yet. Gotta have a third date before I pee on him and mark territory.
Oh. Wait. That happened on the second date.
So I wore my ankle step-counter exercise thingy while I rode him. Don't fuck him- I only burned .2 pounds.
Well 1) stay calm 2) stay safe 3) drink more
One a scale of one to hella drunk, how gracefully can I make it down those stairs
Did you finish that presentation yet?
No but don’t worry about it. I do my best work in the middle of the night. I’m like a hamster.
Randomize
