My lunch today consisted of going on the brewery tour with my boss. Free pretzels and two free beers.
I hate you.
To be fair, the beers are only 8 ounces each. So maybe you just kinda dislike me.
you left with a lisa lampanelli lookalike... i hope she was atleast funny
Breakfast is bomb, yo. McDonald's before ten thirty is like Katie Holmes before Tom Cruise.
Don't feel too badly. Until twenty minutes ago my paper was a heading and a pizza order.
yup. cregs moms pubic hair is still glued to the celing
I just found out that the liquid capacity of my breasts is 700ml each. I should not be left alone at home when drunk.
Just climbed to the top of a frozen waterfall! Do you want to do drugs tm night? The two are unrelated.
I found this letter on my leg this morning "dear sober self- we are one body now. It's weird but get used to it because it already happened" who the fuck is lionman?
there's nothing weirder than waking up to your mom eating breakfast on the couch that you fucked her coworker on last night.
i refuse to hook up with a girl that looks like drew carey.
Your life is one shit show away from being a lifetime movie.
Omg you can't vacuum salsa that's just ridiculous
I was floored. Like way less concerned with him using drugs than I am with him not believing in evolution.
No, I'm not a heathen. You two are the heathens, I'm the whore.
Jesus fucking Mary Christ if I have to clean shit out of my fucking bathtub one more fucking time I'm gonna murder a fucking kitten
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